The Truth Is,
Somehow, someway along the line I lost my desire to blog my heart out.
A wave of guilt and embarrassment filled the brim of my tired eyes as I wept for countless nights, trying to search for the absence of my creativity.
I asked —
"Who are you without your Blog?"
"Where did the spark go?"
As a Black creative navigating through the Blogger world, I've noticed how oversaturated the industry has become. I've been taken aback by the disheartening realization that 'Wellness' and 'Self Care' have become terms held loosely only for conversation starters rather than actual rituals for self-healing. I connect this with my Blackness mainly because I find that my essence and my culture are only considered trends that generate an increase of page clicks for larger publications. And it is with truth that many of these publications have no intentions of grappling with the Black experience in America.
Thankful for Donald Glover and his recent piece 'This is America', Tiffany Haddish for overflowing white spaces with her unapologetic blackness, Yara Shahidi for being the light for forthcoming generations and Black Twitter for always keeping it real with me, although we can never seem to agree on anything. These are the important moments and prominent figures that provide the fruits for my creativity.
But, neither of these things allude to my disappearance.
To be honest, it's been the lack of authenticity that this industry has presented us all (including Black women bloggers and myself). Trauma, suicide, abuse, family ties, Black men and mental health, Black love . . . The list goes on. Aside from celebrities and renowned activists making headlines, where are the Black women who live and breathe the life of dismantling and creating conversations around the aforementioned matters?
Don't fret — this is the very question I ask myself in the mirror daily.
How dare I do a disservice and rob myself of an opportunity towards self discovery and self healing by keeping quiet on the matters that challenge the toxic behaviors both myself and culture continue to perpetuate?
The truth behind my disappearance lies behind the fear of being the change that I want to see.
With the platform I've built just for Black women like myself to learn the importance of practicing vulnerability and delicacy, I have feared that the many truths I've unveiled about myself would be too daunting for the digital world to fathom. And so, I also ask . . .
Is this where I begin? Is this where I pledge to the beautiful, yet gruesome work of self-fulfillment and rediscovery?
The truth is, I've been afraid that I did not have what it takes to create the latest and greatest stories you peep on the Shaderoom. And that's because I realized those are the same platforms that disengage with the true essence of our well-being as Black people.
The Brittany Antoinette — and all of the Black women in the world looking to unfold into the world of conscious living. Looking to practice learning and un-learning what we once thought to be self-righteous. These are the black women that we must cherish as they continue to create spaces that elevate us all to reach beyond the moon and the stars.
The truth is, I'm back and may I be the same woman as aforementioned.
May the content I create from this day forth be a reflection and embodiment of the true essence of the Black woman. May it be through my own experience or sharing the stories of other women, I hope that this space becomes the meeting ground to reshape the livelihood of Black women. Beyond the anger and broken hearts, this space will become one open to newly generated ideas that connect each of us one way or another.
The truth is, I doubted my ability to deliver but today I take ownership and accountability to continue showing up for myself and the women around me wanting to change our narrative.
Your Blogger Sister.♡