The Lonely Hour.♡
At the end of a long day, much rather like this one ... When you just want to come home to a warm hug that lifts you up off of your feet and forehead kisses that make you feel safe, you just lay there in silence. Pondering and replaying that very moment over and over again, while keeping that special someone in mind.
During this hour my mind and body craves a sensation that makes me forget about all the things on my to-do list or the one thing that annoyed me earlier this afternoon.
During my lonely hour, sometimes I want to cry not because I'm really alone (I enjoy my solitude), but because I just miss the feeling of having someone physically there. And there are other times sometimes I rather just sleep.
This lonely hour creeps up on me slow and steady. This lonely hour is unexpected and unplanned. I'll peacefully be on my commute back home with a goal in mind to be productive and prepare for the next day ... And before I can even pull out my planner to check-in on things I have to do, I find myself lying in bed for an hour or two scrolling . . .
Scrolling on Instagram and Twitter for tweets & that resemble my exact thoughts and mood. (Yeah, I turn to Twitter during this hour to find other Young Black Girls like myself, who may also experience this level of loneliness to ensure I'm not the only one.)
You may ask, "Why not call your girlfriend up?"
Because sometimes, not everything needs to be expressed to my friends and I just need space to process and heal in peace without their interjections or thoughts on what I should do. It goes back to something my mom always told me, "Only you know when enough is enough and when your breaking point is."
When she told me that, I found so much peace and comfort in knowing that all of what I go through and deal with is entirely up to me and that I have the CHOICE to feel how I want to feel and deal with what I want to deal with. Once I learned this, I then understood the importance of emotional freedom.
With emotional freedom comes welcoming all of your thoughts and fears. Even the one's you're afraid to admit. With emotional freedom comes being vulnerable and practicing humility. It's not enough to just sleep these feelings away, but rather face them and really do the core work to getting to the root of who you are as a person. With emotional freedom comes living your best life (yes, this will be my motto all 2018). And with emotional freedom comes with accepting this lonely hour and accepting that nothing is wrong with loneliness - the problem arises when we put on this facade as it never happens. Be true and be transparent.♡
I felt a little hesitant publishing this post for you all to read because of it's high level of vulnerability & it's easy access for you to call me "weak, sensitive or too-emotional". But I've realized that in being emotionally free, I've been able to become such an inspiration to the many women who look like me.
The lonely hour is a period where I also reflect on the "Ls" or lessons rather, that I've taken. During this reflective period I sometimes journal, or I'll just lay on my bed in deep thought . . . replaying those experiences and coming up with different endings for them - trying to be optimistic.
And during this lonely hour, I subject to a glass or two of sweet white wine to lower the pain level of my thoughts. I think the worst thing is replaying experiences of neglect or rejection in your head again and again . . . but what do you do when you've become so emotionally attached with the person or situation? How do you just erase it from your conscious?
During this lonely hour is when my depression shows up and reminds me that she's never left. And then her best friend named anxiety comes racing through to remind me of all the due dates on assignments that I have coming up - leaving my mind in a state of limbo, trying to decide which is more important.
Is it my mental health?
Working on paid sponsorship projects?
Studying for an exam?
Preparing for my internship?
What do I do, where do I go, & what do I think - During the lonely hour?
As I write this piece during my lonely hour, I actually find peace because I've found a way to intertwine my passion of blogging to help me get through the darkest hour. And as a little light creeps through, I feel like I can tackle a little more. Maybe I can work on a few tasks for my internship, and maybe I can go to bed with a sound mind and slower paced beating heart.
Because I know the lonely hour won't last forever. But I know she'll be back again, but that's another whirlwind that I'll have to deal with when she comes again.
*Depression is not just having suicidal ideations, but it also those frequent episodes of loneliness, anxiety and or sadness that are apart of the club. These rather frequent experiences is what sometimes leads to the suicidal ideations*
Keeping this in mind, if this is something you've been noticing, please reach out to a friend or even myself for help or advice. To help someone, is to save someone.
Sometimes our lonely hours creep in because we're far too overwhelmed with all that we have on our plate, and so everything else just comes crashing down with it. Sometimes we need that person to vent to and just release a little bit off our shoulders so that we can exhale a little lighter.
I am here. I am that someone.
As far as I am concerned, we can go through our lonely hours together (as long as you're willing to let me into your space).
And for my introverts, who don't really find comfort or help in talking with others, I pray that you find your passion or a step within your self-care routine to make your day/night feel a little lighter.
For me, I'm no introvert, but I'm learning better emotional dependency on myself, and both blogging & reading have become my saviour. I hope you find your peace and may it be within you.
Ya Girl. Amani Rakeia