Sex, Dating + Depression.
For a lady who embraces her sexuality, softness and craves intimacy.♡
Before I dive in, let it be known that if you suffer from or think you may be experiencing depression, you are still worthy of all things beautiful in the world. You are worthy of love and the happy ending you fantasize about.
Yes, I battle depression and yes I believe in falling in love. I also do believe that they can both happen at the same time.
When my depression hit it's peak, I would tell myself things like, "I am never going to find love because I can't love myself." Or far worst like, "No man is going to love a woman who doesn't even know what the hell is wrong with her."
There have been times I thought I was only good for sex simply because it didn't call for me to be mentally or emotionally vulnerable. These were also the times I started feeling a numbness towards my depression. So numb that I didn't even know how to feel anything on a deeper level anymore. After a while, sex became just that— sex. Nothing more, nothing less.
Subconsciously, I knew that the men I chose to sleep with were also the ones I wanted to be deeply intimate with— beyond the physical entity. I knew I wanted to feel more than the numbness of my depression. Secretly, I wanted to talk about it and I wanted to know what it felt like to be free outside of the misery I kept trapped inside my own body.
My depression has always had a funny way of telling me about myself, as the same men I chose to sleep with were running away from me and I couldn't understand why the game of tag lured in me closer. I quickly learned that the things I would do for love, or maybe lust were far beyond the things I was willing to do for my own health and sanity.
Yes, communication is key. But, I challenge you to rethink your delivery. Often times my depression would increase my level of sensitivity and make it difficult for me to be open and vulnerable about certain parts of me. It's important to take it a little slower to feel the vibes out and make sure you feel safe enough to share that side of you with your partner. Don't feel obligated to talk about your depression on the first night, unless you connect on a level you're comfortable with.
When communicating with your partner it's also important not to fear their reaction or their response. Of course, easier said than done . . . but I believe their reaction is a great indicator of how much they care for your well-being and whether or not their love is conditional. In the same breath, we must understand that for some, dealing with a partner who is battling a mental illness may be more than he or she can handle. Be open and understanding to the fact that there is a chance your partner will insist on taking a step back from the relationship. Consider their detachment as a learning moment and pressure no one to empathize or stick around to help you find your solace.
〰️ "I placed both my depression and my ability to heal in the hands of past lovers who only starved me..." 〰️
I've skipped over so many years filled with moments and memories that I should recall, but instead I was so deep into my depression I didn't even recognize the world I was living in.
For years, I placed both my depression and my ability to heal in the hands of past lovers who only starved me of what I was craving all along. As someone who is not currently in a relationship but is open to dating and getting to know others, it is important to grab hold of your own individual strength. I wonder if you wonder, what it is that you can provide for yourself first, without having your partner validate you? One of the hardest things I've learned is to never give someone so much of myself, that when they're gone I can't recognize who I was before them.
〰️ "I've used my depression as a reason to not want better for myself." 〰️
You have the power to not allow your depression to rob you of your strength. I've also learned how to find my own strength by owning up to my depression, not making excuses for it and honoring that I am human (This is also practicing vulnerability). The moment you find your strength, the easier it is to weed out and limit the false lovers you bring into your life.
About your triggers
+ about your fears.
I have also been the girl to use my depression as a reason to not want better for myself. I used to confide so deeply in others that I wouldn't even hold my own self accountable and blame others for my unhappiness. Then . . . I got older and rather quickly realized that folks don't got time to be dealing with an emotionally wounded woman who ain't trying to want better for herself. And with this, I advise a better commitment to honesty with yourself and your partner. Being honest allows you to better heal with a sense of ease and even cultivate a more easeful relationship between you and your partner. I most certainly underestimated how much of a resource and an outlet your partner can be once you allow yourself to open up and let go for just a moment.
〰️ "Love me with a sweet softness and kindness." 〰️
The more you can understand how honesty is shaped within the dynamic of your relationship, the more safe and intimate you can feel with bae.
A note for the bae that doesn't face depression, but fell in love with someone who does:
Remember you are not a sponge.
Do not allow for space to be created where you constantly soak up bae's pain and trauma to the point where it becomes overbearing and you begin to feel guilty for releasing/expressing your own feelings. Find a balance, and cultivate fluidity between one another. Relationships are shared spaces and you too are worthy of self-expression, comfortability and reaching a loving level of sacred intimacy.
I am rooting for you and bae. Take my experience and note it. Depression can bring out the worst and the ugliest sides of us, but never fear to challenge or hold us accountable in finding a happiness and love so pure, that you couldn't even interfere with.
Be a lover and a friend.
Don't hover over me or be fearful of my temptations.
Grow with me and try your best to understand me.
I advise you too to seek therapy just like me, because I know that I can be more than a handful. But not just because of me, but because you wish to seek clarity with your own struggles.
Love me with softness and kindness, for my sensitivity might ignite an emotional rollercoaster that we may not be able to ride out through the night.
Your Blogger Sister.♡