Summer of Solitude.

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 I’ve spent countless days from dawn to dusk, twisting my coils around my fingers and questioning the way my melanin gleams even in the moonlight.

I've spent hours, days and just a few months writing until my fingers get numb and reading until my eyes ache. 

I've poured into myself for the first time. 

And now, I can finally say I have lived. I have lived and learned so much about myself. So much, I'm not even sure if words can truly explain. 

This is my Summer of Solitude. 

"Wow I'm actually so much more of an introvert than I thought."

Once I began to spend long hours on my own, I was allotted the time to question what exactly my passions are and what undoubtedly makes me happy. 

Youtube. Skin Health. Natural Hair Care. And Blogging. - I've found love. 

Wait. 

There's more. 

Poetry, the roots to my Black culture, exercising, clean eating, journaling, the sun - warmth. 

I crave them all. I've discovered what I need for survival. 

This summer, I chose to be selfish and stubborn. I made it my duty to spend more time with myself more than anyone else. I took trips to cities alone. Went on dates with myself. Took long late night drives by myself - I basically did everything with myself. 

I wasn't too interested in hanging out with anyone this summer really. I have realized the importance of my energy and vibrations. 

I made sure that wherever my energy wasn't vibrating - I left. 

But through every trial, comes an error. Comes the off days and the slip ups. There were moments where I found myself hopeless, lost and confused about my place in this world. 

I felt like I was suffocating almost. I dragged my feet for days. I wasn't sure if I was truly ready for this. I wasn't sure if I was ready to face all of me at once. 

I gave up on everything. I slept full days away. I starved myself. And there were nights I cried myself to sleep. I cried at the fact that I was so lost, I couldn't even see my universe. I couldn't recognize myself. It was all so dark. So deep and so cold. 

At this very moment I realized that I was growing. Indeed, it was painful. 

At this very moment, I knew I was beginning to unravel what my purpose is in this here Universe. 

It took one morning and I said, "I want to change my life. I can't live like this." I just sat there in silence and looked around for the Universe to throw me signs.

On the floor, next to my bed I spotted a green ink pen & my journal hidden under the dirty clothes and trash disheveled all over my room. I picked it up, opened it & I just hoped for a miracle. I hoped that whatever it was I was going to write would give me the inspiration and motivation to get my ass up and create the life that I've always imagined. 

I specifically remember journaling this one quote, 

In order to achieve something you’ve never had, you must do something you’ve never done.

And this was very true for me as I took on the task of dealing with my emotions head-on. This consisted of me constantly asking myself if my emotions are my reality or if I am allowing them to control me? And if they were controlling me, I had to force myself to find the silver lining in whatever I was going through. 

Now this - This is where you live. This is how you begin to unpack your shit and really dig deep into your character and unravel who you are as an individual. This is when you are your most vulnerable self - When you begin a war with parts of yourself you've never faced before. 

This summer I began to unravel the depths of true love and began forming my own definition. 

True love is when you're in pain (not physically) and you tend to your mental wounds. True love is when you take a step back to seek for clarity when the world is in chaos. True love is when you choose what you need over what you want. True love is when you appreciate who you are solely as an individual who feels & emotes, rather than what you can offer to the world. To revel and bask in your aura and be in tune with the Universe - allowing your energies to flow in syncopation of the mild winds. 

True love is skin deep. True love is heavy, until brought to light. 

True love is skin deep. 

I've laughed so hard and felt an energy so translucent, I'm not even sure if I can ever duplicate that energy. The moment I began to face my emotions and choose the rainbow in the midst of the storm, I swear on everything I was able to feel the growth through my veins. This was the kind of growth that everyone around me was able to feel. Through the way I looked at people and the way I engaged with everyone. It was pure and true. The way my breath began to feel less heavy. The way I began to diet better and the amount of books I've read was endless. The way I smiled - It was seamless and effortless. 

I was in sync for the first time ever. I was finally home. And all the while, I was home with just my moon, my stars, my air, my sea, my thunder and my light. I was home. 

Me. Originally. Naturally. Undoubtedly and securely. 

Get you, before anything else. Before anyone else. You are the end game.

This is my Summer of Solitude 2017.