Winter Blues ✽ Seasonal Depression.
After watching so many of my favorite YouTubers participate in Vlogmas this year, I've decided that I'd love to join in for the first time and not miss out on the opportunity for a whole year. It may seem a little late to start, but 2018 for me starts now and I'm so ready to begin living my best life and start doing the things I've always aspired to do. So here I am, Blogmas Week One - Hope you enjoy. 😊
It's like everyone's there, but there's no one there at the same time.
It's like you want help, but your energies are exhausted and frostbitten from the forgotten winds during the nights you couldn't sleep.
Trying to suppress your pain away and coexist with the world that probably wouldn't care if you were living or breathing, is tiring to say the least. My heart beats or maybe it doesn't. And when it's hard to decipher whether you're alive or not, it's like being so lost that you go numb - a sensation that only drowns you down to hell. My heart is numb and I can't feel it beat anymore. I can't feel my warmth - Just a frozen soul stuck in time with no direction.
Day in and Day out,
I hear nothing.
Not even my breath or the pounding of my thoughts against my heart, over and over and over again.
But I quit. I don't think anymore and I don't allow my thoughts to consume me, I just lose it all in translation. Or maybe there are times when I think, but the truth is I'm too lost to tell which are my thoughts, or which are my last words of saving grace.
Depression is . . .
When you're loved, but you choose not to be loved.
It's when you get so wrapped in the tangles of your thoughts and heart-filled emotions to the point where you hold yourself hostage.
Depression is painful and probably the most terrifying thing I can go through. I just never know when it's going to end. I never see a brighter day coming - So I give up on everything.
I give up on myself. I give up on others and I give up on life.
I take it all for granted.
Because of depression, I know what it's like to commit failed attempts of suicide.
Because of depression, I know what it's like to not shower for weeks and sleep in a room full of dirty clothes and left over food laying everywhere.
Because of depression, I know what it's like to cry until I can't cry anymore. And to feel so empty I resort to starving myself. Because maybe ... Just maybe, I deserve it.
Because of depression, I know what it's like to allow yourself to be treated less than -
You see, depression doesn't care about you or your circumstance.
Depression loves to find it's home. And I must admit that depression has the keys to my place and shows up as freely and unannounced as she desires.
Sometimes I wait outside the door to see if she'll show up today. And other days I try to change the locks.
Most times, she bangs so loud on the door I can't even hear myself think anymore, so I cave in.
Depression is sickening and it's taken so much of my life away.
I write this to you today, to show that the girl even with the brightest smile and the biggest heart can go through it too.
Signs of my Depression Coming on :
- I never feel like getting out of bed.
- Poor Hygiene.
- Messy, messy ass room.
- Skipping classes.
- Poor/No communication with anyone.
But I want out of this depression.
Or at least I think I do.
It's so much easier to let yourself go, than to keep pushing. It's so much easier to lay in the dark, than to see your ugly truths in the light. And it's so much easier to cry, than it is to wipe away your tears.
I am not depression, but depression chose me.
I am not weak, but depression makes me so.
And I am not alone, but depression makes me feel like I've left this world without a home.
* Depression is very real and even more so within the Black Community. Please, I repeat PLEASE check in on your friends when you don't hear from them in a while. Don't give up on them and don't stop trying. I know it can be hard to help someone fight their depression, but 9 times out of 10, they need you dearly.
To Parents + Family.♡
* Please learn your child's behaviors. If your child's energy hasn't been the same, check in on them. Talk with them. Do not enforce any punishments upon them due to your difficulty in coming to terms with their mental state. It may be hard to deal with especially as a black parent, but they need you as a friend and a support system more than ever. They need your hugs and they need a hand to hold. Not a finger pointed at them. Most importantly, they need you to listen to understand and not to respond. It's not always your job to have a response right away for every situation.
To My Survivor.♡
You made it through.♡
I wish I could just hug you and take you out to a big ass brunch. I want you to know your strength and your power on this Universe. Your strength is one that moved me and made me believe that I can make it out alive.
You made me believe that I don't have to give my life away to depression - I can work through it.
I know it's scary at times because we never truly know when it's going to arrive. But the best way to keep her far, far away is by unpacking your truths and the toxic people around you. This allows your energies to stay safe. So safe, that there is no amount of pounding or banging, or any key that can open up the lock of your heart.
This Holiday, do some soul searching. Try to make amends with all those around you.
And please, don't feel ashamed about your story, because you and I both know that this is what made us Superwoman.
To be alive and to tell your story is a blessing.
Happy Blogmas 2017.♡
♡ ♡ ♡
* D I S C L A I M E R *
This blog post is simply a reflection from the moments and past time I've experienced Depression. I am in no position of harming myself or others.
In fact, if you know of anyone who might be, please call 911 and/or the National Suicide Prevention Line: 1-800-273-8255